Loner? So now, does being antisocial make me a ‘loner’? Does that mean I’m sad?

Loner? 

You know how it works in schools, or in fact, any institution or even a party, don’t you? If you’re seen hanging out with groups, you’ll be considered an optimistic social butterfly. Or if you stick to one group, you’re seen as either a follower or a leader; nonetheless, you come across as ‘normal’, like you’re absolutely alright. If you hang around with only one or two people, you’re seen as loyal. 

But once you’re all by yourself, BOOM- you’re a loner! 

You’re seen as antisocial, probably sensitive, and maybe even depressed. Some people consider the terms ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ as synonyms. What they don’t understand is that when you’re alone, that is in solitude, you can enjoy it -- but that can’t happen when you’re lonely.

You can feel lonely in a crowd as well. When you’re alone and satisfied with it, you can enjoy your solace. But when you’re lonely, it feels as if there’s a hole inside which can’t be filled. Being isolated from the society is fine if you’re okay with living with yourself. But when you wish to share a connection and are unable to, you feel disconnected (with almost everything)- physically and mentally.

I get texts almost every day- from people at school, from people at my old school, and (in rare cases) from people at my oldest school. I usually reply back to those texts. But to me, it doesn’t feel like I have a deep relationship  with anyone and I’m not as interactive as I might seem even though I have tons of social media apps on my phone. 

There are two groups I keep fluctuating between; a group in which most members belong in my class, the group whose members tag me in their instagram posts; the second group comprises of those people who I hang out with during breakfast and lunch. In both cases, I barely ever open my mouth to say something (i’m only noticed by them when I’m not paying any attention to their gossip).

So as a conclusion, I can admit that I don’t have friends because my understanding of friendship is a relationship where there’s a sense of understanding - which is absent in most of the relationships I have with people. It’s not their fault at all. So obviously, I would rather be alone, and isolated from people than be with a bunch of school mates and feel lonely.

So now, does being antisocial make me a ‘loner’? Does that mean I’m sad? 

Often, when I’m seen walking down the corridor by myself, people come up to me and ask ‘Are you ok?’ and I feel like asking, ‘is there something wrong with being alone?’. Sometimes, they simply say hello and start walking beside me to act all nice and sweet. Well, the thing is, I feel lonely when I’m with people. So calling me ‘loner’ won’t help your case at all. 

Having no friends is often taken as a negative in this society.  Even being single is! I’m not denying the fact that human connection is required to feel happy. In fact, friendships drive you, optimise you- that is both what I personally feel and what I have heard from adults.  

But they’re not the only elements- call it strange or whatever, but my diary is currently my best friend because I can literally throw words and lines and realizations at it without getting nervous about what it thinks of me. 

 Vice versa, books throw their words at me and I accept them. 

Dance is that amazing companion that gives me a break and makes sures I’m having a good time. It’s the best mode of expression for me. Why I find it exhilarating is because my moves respond to the music, and my head feels like it’s simply floating as I don’t have to comprehend the thoughts that enter my head - for once. 

These things make me feel good, and I find a sense of understanding in my relationships. 

All of this being said, I still yearn for human friendships. Like, real friendships and connections. I still yearn to have two-way conversations. Since that is still not there, I kind of feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I want to be friends with someone I genuinely don’t feel awkward and lonely around. Someone I can lean on. 

Someone or something that makes you happy is what’s supposed to stay, not someone who makes you feel lonely. So just go deeper and see what each relationship - with humans, animals, objects, passions etc. is for you and how it makes you feel. 

Rhea Batra