To Say or Not To Say - From the outside looking in, it’s hard to understand. From the inside looking out it's harder to explain.

We see, we judge, but do we ever know what actually happens behind the scene. Mental health is an important aspect of a healthy person; yet it is hidden, not talked about. 

To bring light to this topic, I sat down with two people. 

One of which is going through depression and self harm while the other has been through it (The speakers will be connoted in italics and bold respectively. One is fourteen and the other fifteen.)

I asked them various questions relating to this taboo and how they coped with it. Let’s take a look at their take on this topic and how it is being dealt with. 

Q. This society, it’s full of stigma, people do not want to talk about mental health and it’s considered shameful.  In a society like this, how is to cope through the same?

“It’s hard. It’s definitely hard, to be constantly hiding such a big part of yourself every time you converse, every time you meet someone. I have to shield myself and hide, cower inside myself trying to prove I am a happy, cheerful child, like I should be. Every day, I wake up wishing I didn't have to but have to put on an act. I now have two personalities, one which others see and one which they don’t; one constantly smiling and one wishing for death. Sleep isn't sleep anymore, it’s an escape and the only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending you are not. It’s difficult but hey, so is life. The sad truth is we learn to live like this, with it.”

“I saw this line somewhere “Depression is like wanting to vomit but not having a mouth,” and I think it perfectly explains what it feels like. You just start losing in everything. The thing which was affected the most was my self esteem. I started self doubting and blaming myself for everything, so much so that it consumed me.”

Q. Very true, depression is somewhat like drowning but seeing everyone breathe around you.

What are your coping mechanisms? Why did you start them and what effect did they have on you?

“Trigger Warning (Laughs) I cut. Have been since two years. I don’t really know why I started it, it was just one of those spur of the moment kind of decisions that can change your life. I just, kind of, never felt enough, never good enough. Too fat, too dumb, too ugly, too slow, too much of a looser. Soon itching turned to geometry instrument which turned to scissors which became blades. Then it was a matter of time before the quicksand of self harm consumed me. But really it’s not a biggie, many people have it worse."

“There was a point of time in my life when my arms, palms, calves and sometimes my stomach were covered with scars. I used to wear full sleeved clothes most of the time because I didn’t want anyone to notice them. Bingeing was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I gained so much weight because of it and it made me consider throwing up after each meal, I did it sometimes but somehow I stopped myself from doing it again. (I also started biting my nails whenever I got anxiety. It got so bad that the skin around my nails started peeling off and bleeding. I still do that but the condition from a year back is much better.)”

Q. Self harm comes in many forms, we are only, that too very little, aware about cutting or eating disorders. Burning is one of the prominent forms of self harm too. Self harm leads to suicide and nearly 8 lakh lives are lost annually, that’s around one person every 40 seconds. This is the casualty  of our society and our society is a disaster.

What was it like to hide these things from your parents, friends and people who cared about you? What part of did you hate the most?”

“It is fairly easy to hide this from my parents and I believe they will have no clue till I tell them in clear words. They are pretty clueless. Though it was incredibly hard to hide this from my friends, those are who I interacted with. I had to put on a smile and create the overly bubbly person my friends know. Some of my close friends from my older school got to know. I really hated that they believed that if had told them earlier it would be any better. The pitiful looks I got after telling them, I swear that’s the most disgusting thing I have seen. Although they at times they can’t help it, it really is degrading to be looked down upon with pity. They don’t realise that we already feel a burden, to reach out for help and confess to someone takes courage. After that pitiful look, I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to anyone before you that is. ”

“It killed me from inside because I really wanted help. But I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it, it’d make me a burden on them and I hate being unwanted.”

Q. That’s true. Whenever we expect a friend or victim to reach out, we don’t really look at our responses. They have a paper heart and we like playing with matches. 

How did you overcome it and how did you feel once you overcame it?

“I honestly don’t know if people are going to believe this or not but listening to this one boy band really helped me. Their lyrics are really meaningful and helped me realize that you’re the only one who can truly love you. They helped by pulling me out of all this. If it wasn’t for them I don’t think i'd be writing this right now.”

Q. Did you have any inspirations, either from people or books or musicians?

“In fact I did. Even if our society does not talk about it there are people who still do. Music helped me a lot. Drowning out the world and listening to one song on repeat the whole day. It was an amazing feeling. Reading, either in fiction or exclusive articles about mental health is a big part too. Books that include mental health are a god send. There is this specific girl group and when they were made one of the girls was facing a lot of trolling online and another was anorexic, now that they are world famous she has a made a documentary about it and it's breaking records. When important and powerful people speak about it, it gives me hope.”

Q. Did you ever tell anyone, what was their reaction?

“Yeah, I’ve told my friends and once I did, damn. I felt such a burden. They would give me these pitiful looks whenever the topic came up. In my last school there were also some...ignorant and arrogant people. Who thought it was a joke, they would make jokes about suicide and depression and well...what can I say? Humans aren’t a very good species are they? When I say I am fine sometimes, I want someone to look me in the eye and know me enough to hug me tight and say ‘I know you are not’. But apparently that’s too much to ask for.”

“I never shared with anyone who knew me in real life, but I did anonymously talk to a few people online and they were really supportive and were such good listeners, they told me things like they are always there for me and if I wanted to talk about anything, gave me advice about coping with anxiety and most importantly they made me smile.”

Q. What’s your advice to someone going through the same?

“Honestly I know it is hard, but trust me you will find people who listen and respect you. I really don’t have as much advice to give as that would be very hypocritical but we are here for you. Whenever things get hard, do what you love, take a day off for yourself. Listen to your favorite songs, watch your favorite movie and do what you love. You are amazing, brave, beautiful and valued and if someone tells you otherwise, what were earphones made for. You will get through it. If you find the right people, you are not a burden. Some people tend to treat others badly, but that is their fault, you live your life and show ‘em how it’s done. We love you and believe in you.”

“Its okay to feel this way. You shouldn’t be ashamed of going through a hard time, it’s not your fault. Try to reach out to someone and talk to them because it does make a difference and don’t think that you’re being a burden on them. Also, know you are NOT weak you are STRONG and you will overcome this because I BELIEVE IN YOU.”

The worst kind of sad is not being to explain why. It’s important to be with someone when they are this lost. It is not bad to need help. But apparently in our society it is worse than that. We need to embrace the truth and the people who come along with it. We need to accept them and make them feel loved.  Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and harder to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain makes it harder. It is easier to say “my tooth is aching” than to say “my heart is broken”. We need to help someone when they reach for it.

Ramya Pushkar